I Am Ruined

“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”
-Isaiah 6:5, being appropriately dramatic



There's this wild drama that unfolds early in the Old Testament book of Isaiah. It's an origin story, really. 
God's people were in the middle of all sorts of turmoil as Assyria was growing stronger. Israel was tempted into unholy alliances with evil, and they lost their identity. They mistreated their poor, lost track of what God's heart was all about, and allowed violence and injustice to grow. It was a rough time to be alive. 

But someone would be called to speak a message of both challenge and hope, inviting God's people back to the covenant that they had made generations ago. He would also be the one to paint a picture of a future king in the line of David, who would bring ultimate redemption, peace, and salvation to all the nations. It was a long way off, but God was going to give this prophet a holy imagination. In the meantime though, God needed to find someone to proclaim the message. 

The only problem? Isaiah was just a normal guy. A product of his environment, with the same struggles as the people all around him. So when God appears to Isaiah in a vision, Isaiah completely freaks out. Appropriately so. In this vision, he sees God face to face. And since he probably knew about Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, he knows that nobody who gets that close to God makes it out with their skin still on. 

So Isaiah sees this vision of God on a throne and angels all around, and he cries out, "Woe is me! I am ruined." That word for ruined is sometimes translated "I am undone!" It means that Isaiah thinks he cannot survive. He is so ashamed and aware of every gap, every sin, every mistake, in the presence of God's perfect beauty. And he feels the crushing weight of condemnation. 

But that's when the turning point happens. After he cries out that he is ruined, one of the angels takes a hot coal from God's altar and brings it to him, touching it to Isaiah's lips. Interestingly, Isaiah doesn't get burned. Instead, he is told that his unclean lips have been remade. "Your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for." 

A moment later, the voice of the Lord officially enters the narrative. "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us??"

Well, obviously no one is going to volunteer for this. Except. 
This voice pops up from behind the altar. "Here am I. Send me!" 
Wait, what? 

Honest question. How on earth does one go from "I am ruined!" in one moment, to a "Here am I. Send me!" in the next? Who's the new guy? 

It's still Isaiah, but he's been transformed. That is the power of Grace, and the power of honestly encountering the God who looks like Jesus. 

Shame and condemnation continue to play a pivotal role in many of our lives. I am so limited. I am so imperfect. If I am fully seen, I can't survive. I don't want God, or anyone else, to see what's inside. That will ruin me. 

But the story of God is always surprising. God purifies. God covers shame. God surprises with open arms. This is the good news. 

And it highlights one of the deep realities of life: 
We cannot be remade without being undone. 

There are times in life where, if we truly want God's transformation, we have to acknowledge our deep fear, inadequacy, and guilt. We must allow ourselves to be undone, naked, and aware of all the feelings that we bury deep. And then... we allow God into our ruined-ness. And we find transformation. 

It comes when we are seen in all of our terrifying imperfection and told, "I see you. But you are not ruined. You are redeemed." 
Isaiah learned that the path to being used was the path of being emptied. No more pretenses. No more posturing. Just trust. 

What if we allowed ourselves to be a little more undone, trusting that Jesus is in the business remaking us with gentle grace? What if we allowed our siblings in Jesus to see us in our "ruined" moments, trusting that they will be partners in God's grace-filled commissioning? What if we had the confidence that God always uses cracked vessels, if in humility we allow the spirit to get inside? 
What if we embraced our ruin to be remade? 

Jesus, we want to be used, but we often feel broken. Redeem us and send us out in love and compassion. 
 
Peace,
Keith

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