Starting the Year Off Weak

If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am.
-2 Corinthians 11:30

So I'm sitting here on my quarantined couch after being thoroughly destroyed by illness for the past 2 weeks. It was a bed for about four days, but I was recently promoted to the couch because of good behavior. Pneumonia has been ripping through my lungs, and has turned the first days of 2025 into one long and pathetic coughing fit. 

I don't go down often. But when I do, I fall hard. My body completely shut down this week, and I was of no use to anyone. But far worse than that, I was a burden to everyone. 
I needed people to bring me food, bring me blankets, turn off the lights, and take me to urgent care. I needed people to fill in for me at church, and to take care of things on their own that I would normally be partnering with them for. I had to cancel meetings and admit that I couldn't even pull off a zoom call. I was weak.

We all have scripts that run through our heads about what we believe about ourselves and our world. Many are formed decades ago. I've discovered over the past year that one of the false scripts I've lived by is "I am not allowed to be a burden to anyone, ever." I don't know where I picked it up over the years, but it's in there deep. I am the strong and capable one. I make things right in the world. I help people when they need me. I keep things consistent and moving in positive directions. If I'm ever a burden, I've failed. (Yes, I'm aware of the hubris behind such thinking.)
 
Pneumonia has it's own script: 
Screw your little narratives. I'm your daddy now. 

Embracing weakness can be an immense challenge for some of us. Even harder, in fact, than the often celebrated virtues of selflessness and servanthood. I have found that even though the desire to help others and offer selfless care is indeed is a high virtue, learning to graciously accept help from others and admit weakness and limitation.... that's actually harder for most of us to do. 

I don't know if it's fair to judge spiritual virtues based on how difficult they are to live out, but if so, then perhaps admitting our need and weakness before others is every bit as formative to the soul as our ability to give our energy in loving others? It may be "more blessed to give than to receive," but my goodness, receiving actually feels more costly me to sometimes. 

I can care for others and still hold onto my belief that I am the above the need to be helped. I can give time and energy to others all while thinking "I love to help people (but if I'm ever in that situation, I'll be fine to just handle things on my own)." 

I think this might be one of the reasons God gives us community. It's not simply so that we can learn to help others. It's so that we can learn the humility of being helpless and receiving care (the soups, prayers, and texts have been amazing!). Similarly, I think maybe this is why God gives us the gift of weakness. At times that we are highly capable, we rarely learn what it looks like to truly trust God's goodness. It's only in moments of true weakness that we have the opportunity to be empty enough to be filled in fresh ways. And to rest in the fact that we are enough, even when we CLEARLY AREN'T. 

This is the message the Apostle Paul learned when he heard the whisper of Jesus saying, "My grace is sufficient for you, because my power is made perfect in weakness." 

So I'm trying to start off this year nice and weak. I'm seeking to be a person who is able to share where I need help as easily as I offer my help to others. Perhaps you need a weak start to the year, too.

If you're feeling weak, or if life's circumstances have forced it on you, may you have courage to not always be strong. I'm working on it with you. And maybe that's where God will do the most beautiful work in us.

Jesus, thank you for the love we have been given, especially when we're faced with how limited we are. 

Peace,
Keith

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