Lament

Jesus wept.  
-John 11:35

Another day of throwing out what I had previously written because it just wasn't relevant anymore. 
Another day of learning that too many lives have been lost and countless others traumatized forever....again.
Another day of being sickened by the level of discourse online when our country should be mourning and compassionately working together to understand how to stop this sickness we've contracted.
Another day of feeling a weird tension between sympathizing with all the "We don't need more thoughts and prayers" tweets, yet still holding the conviction that prayer is powerful and we need to be crying out for the kingdom to come in the U.S. as it is in heaven. 
Another day of wondering if mentioning another school shooting is virtue signaling on my part, and if it minimizes other tragedies that I don't choose to publicly write about. 
Another day of fighting the desire to crawl in a hole and just weep because everything is so ______ messed up (I'd like to use a very strong word here.) 
Another day of realizing that my children have never been shocked to hear about a school shooting-- because they've practiced active shooter drills for years. 
Another day of wondering what the role of a pastor is in regards to legislative policy and advocacy, since even as brothers and sisters in Christ, we can view solutions through such different lenses.
Another day of wondering why a belief in the nonviolent Jesus and the nonviolent message of his kingdom is still seen as so radical, even among Christians. 

I have nothing to teach, nothing to encourage today. Three senseless shootings in 10 days is inconceivable, and Jesus does not want us to be ok with this. I wish I were stronger and more full of wisdom, I really do. But today I feel powerless and heartbroken, and I know that prayer alone is an anemic response to such preventable tragedy. Yet still, I'll mourn to God and to anyone who will listen. Perhaps you'll join me. 
  
I mourn 21 precious lives, created in God's image.
I mourn the lack of comfort for those who long to hold their children again. I mourn that there is no recovering from such a thing. My heart breaks for them with compassion and unease. 
I mourn the millions of families who feel a fresh sense of fear as they send their children into school each morning.
I mourn that we have 70 million more guns than people in our country and that we hardly even question our assumptions of violence. 
I mourn the loss of 20,726 lives last year alone simply because a trigger was pulled. 
I mourn that it's so easy for people to become radicalized into hatred. 
I mourn that someone has the capacity to do so much violence so easily in such a short amount of time. 
I mourn for the unfair burden placed on our teachers and administrators- the crippling weight of fear, hopelessness, and responsibility. 
I mourn that community care has disintegrated and failed so many people who need help.
I mourn our lack of mental health resources. 
I mourn that this young man was bullied and wounded years before he did such a horrible evil. I feel compassion and anger toward him. 
I mourn how many people do not know the love of Jesus, which would change the trajectory of their lives and so many others. 
I mourn the disconnection in God's Church between prayer and compassionate action. 
I mourn political allegiances that hinder people from working together for the good of the most vulnerable. 
I mourn the lack of unity and love in God's Church. 
I mourn my own paralysis and cowardice in knowing how to lead through these moments. 
I mourn 21 precious lives, created in God's image.

Jesus, we believe you are the prince of all peace -- soul peace, societal wholeness, and nonviolence. Come quickly, and draw us to action to heal shalom that has been broken. 
Amen.

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